Letter to a Friend

Okay I refuse to discuss Robert after this email. Well Robert and homecoming anyway. Saying that I wouldn't discuss him at all would be futile and a lie. So let me say---write---this and get it over with. (I am numbering for clarity)
Pros of Robert:
1. He is a good guy.
2. He likes me.
3. He is cute.
4. He is smart.
5. He makes me laugh.
6. I have fun with him.

Cons:
1. He might be a good guy?
2. He might like me?
3. I only like him with super short hair?
4. He only sorta makes me laugh.
5. Only sometimes...i have fun. When it isn't totally awkward.


Conclusion: I don't know. Part of me wants to not care and just go for love, because what will it hurt. And part of me says why waste time on something that might not work out. Part of me says that it isn't a good idea to get involved with a boy who can't tell me what he feels. And I wonder whether I can really be in a relationship with a boy who can stand up to me and ask me to do things.

I think that i mostly need to stop approaching him like I would a regular boy, because he isn't. He doesn't know much about anything social, or anyone. I need to not play games, like waiting an hour to text him back. I need to make sure now to tell him what I want and to accept what he says he wants at face value. Maybe I am being too analytical about the whole thing? But thats the only way I do things. I will try to limit that though. I mean thats all I can promise.

I was talking to Michael and he brought up a good point. Maybe I am being a cocktease. and he also said "Not everything means something" which I think should be my new motto in life. But dear Lord it goes against EVERYTHING..that I do naturally or have been taught. I think again I just need to reevaluate.

I still don't know what I want but Michael was saying something that was true. He said to get over being stubborn and just ask him. Is that what I really want? I don't know. But I need to decide and to stop being a girl about the situation.

My Birthday and My Birthday Suit

So I should be writing an essay on whether truth is better expressed in literature than in other areas of knowledge, but I am not sure how i want to answer yet. So I thought I would say hello to this blog.

It is my birthday today. I am 18. I know, I know. This should be a milestone. I should be out celebrating. Not writing in some lame online journal, but I have school tomorrow. (School this year started on my birthday.) So this seemed to be less lame then to be writing in my private journal. At least someone has a chance of seeing this.

So I guess on to the second part of my title. I met a boy. Well thats a lie. I didn't just meet him or anything. I knew him from before. But I guess I just have decided to see him as a romantic interest. I am very attracted to his body, but I am also attracted to his mind. He is smart. And he is kinda funny. He is a boy that is very different from me. He lives with his grandparents and sometimes shares his room with his junkie dad. His mom isn't around. He told me he does smoke now and then. I really don't have too much of a problem with this, as long as he doesn't smoke around me. He said it doesn't bother him that I don't smoke.my So I don't know. He told me all of these things however, on the first date, which probably could be only loosely called a date anyway. So I now feel like we are serious without being at all.

He doesn't have a sense of smell. And for some weird reason, that totally turns me on. Its like I would have to describe things to him and somehow that is really sensual to me. He is nice and quiet and listens to me talk. I think that we could have something even with our differences.

For example, he loves spicy food. I do too. He likes the band Cake, I do too. I think he could protect me. BUT he did say that his dad said that he would take a "whack" at any girl that he brought into his room. Creepy much? I mean he is sweet but yeah.

So his car is in the shop, and I don't know I wanted him to ask me out on a second date....but he cant i think? Like he feels uncomfy with out a car. He asked to come along.


but now I am going out to dinner with a group. And we are inviting his friends and him and my friends. I don know I am a bit apprehensive.

Awkward Relationships

Ex-boyfriend: comes to town, wanting to hook up. Says he will call and doesn't
I didnt want to see him in the first place...so why does that bother me?

Best friend:
Supposedly^- Like I guess not everything should be easy? I just always hope it will be and I would rather not deal with drama. I would rather sit back and chill and forget problems. Confrontation makes me uncomfy. Its too direct and personal.

New Crush:
I hate not knowing what people are thinking. I mean, I know its impossible to know what people are thinking all time, but can't there be some exception for people you are jonesing for? I think it should be a rule. I don't know. And the thing is I only like boys who are mysterious, When I get to know them? I just am bored and don't care. So I obviously have multiple issues to work out.

Other Best Friends Crush:
What is up with him? He says he likes my friend but blames stress and family as the reason why he can't go on a date with her. I mean I am halfway wanting to say that if he likes you...he should have already asked, but i know that'll break her heart. I also am confused as to why he is being like this in the first place. Cuz he is (was?) a nice guy. At least he seemed to be, but then this stuff happens? I am confused. He needs to let her know what is going on!
This has to do with me in that me and the guy she likes used to be super good friends. But now this whole issue has come up and I don't think that I can look at him in the same way.

CAMPING

So I am going camping! And I am sooo excited I can hardly type! Its on Table Rock Lake. And even tho we are going over spring break (read: March) and it will be freezing....I am still excited. I am planning on fishing...I know why is this city girl going fishing? I have no clue. Of course we will be letting the fish go. I do have some standards. I will probably be catching a lot of perch. (yes, I have been fishing once before. and that is all I caught.)

My heart moves at lightning speed. Yeah, my heart moves. I'm a very romantic person, but when you're my friend, I love you. i'm really motivated by my heart and whatever way it leads. Sometimes it's not the best thing, but I don't know any other way.

~~~Mandy Moore

Totally applies to me. as sad as that is

Not Worth It

So I love how the last two weeks of my life have been the most drama filled ever. First of all a boy, who's my friend but I have NO interest in, loves me. And its awkward because I am always complaining about my lack of boyfriend yet I am not willing to date him. I feel like a hypocrite! UGH! But really. It just wouldn't have worked out. He just is too metro for me right now. I can't deal with his hormones...and my own.
Then right now one of my best friends is mad at me because I doubted the fact (a well-known one, apparently) that you can't wear blue pants with black shoes. And this is not jeans mind you. Its blue cords? I don't know. And I seriously was not trying to start a fight. I think she just had a bad day. Its not like mine was excellent either, but I am not excusing my lack of sympathy. I kind of feel bad. But I also don't think I should be apolegizing. Its just messy.
And my other friend's crush just started dating this other girl. Well, he asked her to Loyalty. I am like this is not good. She's not like too depressed, but I just feel bad. I really didn't see him going with this other girl. That was the problem.
Lets see. What else sucks? I have so much schoolwork to do. I just don't see an end however. I think that I am going to work on each area in short time periods. After I post this, for example, I will write my rough draft for my History IA. Its about Nativism in America in the 1850s. Its actually really interesting. But this book I need to read about it...I haven't read yet. I really shouldn't be wasting time typing this actually.
And then there's the whole issue of Loyalty. I have no clue who I want to ask. Well thats not true. I have a couple of ideas but I doubt whether any of them will work out. I guess we will soon see? I would like someone to just ask me. But don't think thats going to happen-especially since one of the boys doesn't go to my school and therefore would've no way of knowing when it was. That could be awkward.
I am tired right now and stressed out. Plus at this moment my fingers are extremely cold? I don't even know why!! Oh the heat just came on I should be warm soon.
Actually I don't want to make up with that friend.